Chapter 23: Here Today, Gone Tomorrow (Someone Had To Pay The Price)

I had a bad dream last night.

It was so life like that it left me frozen in a pool of sweat and staring up at the ceiling when I woke up afterwards.

My heart was racing, while my breathing was fast and heavy as I struggled to fully process all I’d just seen.

We’ve all had those dreams, the kind where the story is so long, vivid, and intricate that for a short few moments, your entire concept of reality is turned upside-down.

But, to tell you the entire dream would be foolhardy.

After all, no one can ever tell you how their dream starts, but somehow, they can always remember where the trouble began.

For me, the trouble started when I somehow found myself back at the school dance I went to on Friday night.

Everything was identical, same music, same food, same decor, you name it, except for one thing:

I was perpetually surrounded by strangers.

No matter where I looked, I couldn’t locate a familiar face.

I couldn’t find Wes.

I couldn’t find Troy.

I couldn’t find Nicole.

I couldn’t even find Tiffany if I really wanted to.

Anxious to find their hiding spots, I headed over to restrooms to see if they could somehow tucked away in there.

Inside, the restroom was an empty ghost town, completely deserted except for a lone stranger who was standing in front of a mirror doing her makeup.

Seeing my reflection, she slowly jerked her face over to me with an excited grin.

“Hey there Alex, fancy seeing you here.”

Her blonde hair was freshly done, her skin was smooth, her brown eyes were lined with mascara and shadow, and her outfit was stylish, clean, expensive, and coordinated like she’d just walked out of one of those fashion magazines you see in the check out aisle of the grocery store.

And at center of it all, her smile, her damn smile…

It was a fake, polished, perfect smile. The kind which makes parents swoon, boys turn their heads, and girls insecure without knowing why. It was a weapon, one which was directly aimed right at me.

“Who are you?” I asked, even though I already knew.

The girl tilted her head with an amused expression as she twirled a strand of her hair.

“Um duh! I’m you, silly!”

The stranger was me, but not me. So, who was she?

For simplicity’s sake, we’ll call her Alexandra Maxine.

It’s the only deserving title for someone so rotten.

Alexandra continued to beam at me. Smirking, daring me to respond.

So I did.

“You’re not me.”

She shook her head. “Don’t fool yourself. Of course I’m you.”

“You’re just an idea.” I snapped. “A stereotype created by ignorant people who think they know better. You’re what they want, not me.”

She smiled again, so calm, so irritatingly sure of herself.

“Oh Alex, you’ve got it all wrong, no one created me. I’m all natural.” she explained. “Every time you were forced to wear a dress or don a little make up, there’d be that moment when you’d see yourself in the mirror and hate what was staring back, you’d be repulsed by it, but yet… there would always be this tiny little voice in the back of your head suggesting otherwise. That’s me in your subconscious. I’ve always been there. Never started, never left. See, I’ve never been who they want. I’m who you already are.”

I angrily stepped closer to her. “You’re full of crap.”

“No, I’m inevitable…”

My hands were balled into fists. “You’re fake!”

“…and you’re a phase.”

I wanted to swing at her. Or scream. But all I could do was stare as she raised her hand, and snapped her fingers.

I felt it before I saw it. A tug at the back of my head. A cold rush across my scalp like I’d been stripped bare.

My cap, it lifted right off my head.

I reached up, I jumped, but I was too slow. It was already out of my grasp, rising higher and higher like a balloon I couldn’t catch. I watched it disappear into the sky, up, up, and up until it was just a dark speck before vanishing from existence.

I stood there shaking, heart racing, unsure of what to do.

But Alexandra, she didn’t flinch.

“There,” she commented, dusting her hands. “Now I’ve leveled the playing field.”

“The hell is wrong with you?! Bring it back!” I yelled.

“Why?” she asked puzzled. “Haven’t you heard? We’re so much prettier without it. Now everyone will hang out with us. People will finally see me.”

“But I don’t want them to see you,” I said.

“Too late.”

She giggled as she trotted off, her steps casual, care-free, almost theatrical. Like she’d already won.

For a second I just stood there. Frozen. Capless. Powerless.

But then I ran. I’m not sure why, I just had to. I sprinted after her, I needed to know where she was going. I couldn’t dare let her escape into the outside world.

But then—

Suddenly I wasn’t in the fieldhouse anymore.

I was standing outside the lake house.

The same one I’d spent so many childhood summers at. It was exactly how I remembered it, but too perfect. Too still.

And Alexandra Maxine?

She was already bouncing up the porch steps, before stopping right at the front door.

“You following me, Alex? Well, don’t stop. Come right on in.”

I quickly followed after her. Inside everything looked the same, but warped in that dream like way where nothing’s quite the right size.

The furniture looked too big, like it had grown up while I stayed short. Worse yet, it was eerily empty, even Alexandra was nowhere to be found.

I hurriedly scanned around for her, as I did, I saw something lying on the stairs leading up to the loft.

It was my giant Spider-Man plush, no worse for wear.

The second I saw him, I didn’t overthink it. I immediately rushed over, snatched him up, and hugged him like a shield, the same way I did when I was five or six, hoping he’d protect me.

Suddenly, I heard voices from the living room.

I crept towards the archway, Spidey in my arms, and peeked in.

Sure enough, I’d found her again.

Alexandra Maxine.

She was sitting comfortably on the couch, legs crossed, completely at ease like she owned the place.

But that wasn’t the scary part. Right next to her with an arm around her shoulder…

Sam.

But not the Sam you know. Not the grown-up one with a job and responsibilities and a girlfriend who keeps him tethered. This was young Sam, around eighteen, right before he moved out.

He didn’t look at me.

Neither of them did.

“Huh…” Alexandra said softly, without turning her head, “So, I’m the one who’s allowed to sit next to him. Funny how that works.”

“What are you doing with him?” I managed to say.

Her eyes locked onto mine. Calculated. Sinister. “Oh, nothing. Just spending a little time with him before he leaves us again.”

Sam glanced up at that, but his face was unreadable. Almost blank, like a wax figure.

“He won’t…” I insisted. “Get away from him!”

Alexandra raised an eyebrow. “Or maybe, he’s already left.”

She leaned forward now, elbows on her knees and stood up.

I wanted to yell. I wanted to throw Spider-Man at her. But I couldn’t move. My feet felt glued to the carpet, so I tried to get Sam’s attention.

“Hey Sam…. Sam! I’m right here. Sam!”

No response.

“Sam, over here. Sam!

He didn’t move. He just continued to stare blankly at TV with his hands in his lap.

Alexandra walked past me, brushing my shoulder ever so slightly, like a breeze that left frost behind.

“He can’t hear you.” She mused. “But keep on trying your luck, I’ll be back in a sec.”

And with that, she disappeared down the hallway…

Leaving me alone with the old couch.

With Sam.

“Sam!… Sam, I need your help!… Sam!… Please, it’s me, Alex!… Sam!”

I kept shouting his name over and over, but to no avail. It was as if my pleas were just deflecting off of him.

Finally, I resorted to doing something I hadn’t done since I was little, I mean really, really little. Something I used to do whenever I wanted to ensure I had someone’s full attention.

I reached out, grabbed the bottom of Sam’s shirt and tugged it as hard as I could. I tugged it again and again until finally, his focus shifted on to me.

But to my horror, the blank expression on his face immediately shifted into a frown.

“Alex, my hat. What happened to it?”

My stomach dropped.

At first I didn’t say anything. I physically couldn’t. My mouth opened, but words wouldn’t come out. I held my Spider-Man plush tighter against my chest, like he might block the question.

But Sam asked again.

“Alex… Where is it?”

His voice was different this time. Less neutral. More annoyed.

I shook my head. “I—I don’t—”

“You were supposed to hold onto it,” he said, slowly standing. “I gave it to you. I trusted you not to lose it.”

He wasn’t yelling. That made it worse.

“I didn’t lose it, I swear. It just vanished. Alexandra took it. I’m trying to get it back—”

But I could hear how weak my excuses sounded. Like I was trying to lie my way out of a broken picture frame or a poor letter grade.

Sam stepped closer, brows furrowed. “Dammit, Alex! I should’ve known you were too young to be trusted with any of my stuff!”

”No, no, I’m not, I’m not…” I snapped, my voice cracking. “I know it’s important. I know it is. That’s why I’ve never stopped wearing it, it’s why I’m so protective of it, because without it I… I…”

Then I stopped.

Because I didn’t know how to say the rest, how to tell him it wasn’t his cap anymore. Because without it, I was nothing.

I hugged Spider-Man as hard as I humanly possibly could before surrendering rest.

“I… I can’t be… me.”

Then came the sound.

Footsteps.

From the hallway.

She’d returned.

Alexandra Maxine had returned.

Still pretty. Still smug. And in her hand?

The cap.

His cap.

My cap.

She held it loosely, like a piece of gum she found stuck to her shoe.

“Hey Sam!” She said in a shiny boutique voice.

Sam immediately swung over towards her, and without hesitation, she held it out to him.

“Here, it’s all yours. I never needed it to begin with. After all, no one ever asked for it.”

He took it from her slowly, with an unreadable look on his face as he examined it.

Then, without hesitation, Sam reached behind the couch and pulled out his old duffle bag, unzipping it.

He folded the cap, placed it inside and zipped the whole thing shut. He placed the bag over his shoulder and began walking away.

“Sam, wait!” I shouted in vain.

But he kept walking, already approaching the front door.

“Sam, don’t go!”

Alexandra Maxine stood next to me, arms crossed, watching me struggle.

“Alex, why do you bother? We already know how this plays out. He isn’t coming back.”

His hand was on the knob.

“Sam, please…”

The door opened.

“… stay.”

He didn’t.

The door closed.

Now alone to ourselves, Alexandra gleefully hopped in front of me.

“So now what?” She pondered, with a big grotesque smile. “Oh, right. This is where we fast forward to you hiding in that bush at the playground. The part where you disappear.”

She stepped in closer.

“But before you’re gone for good…”

Suddenly, she latched her hands onto Spider-Man’s legs and began trying to pull him away from me.

“…I’ll have to take back my old web-headed friend…”

“No, no, no, leave him alone! He’s not yours!” I pleaded, as I held onto my plush for dear life.

“…so that you’ll stay there in that bush…”

But she was stronger, pulling harder and rougher as we wrestled furiously for control.

Suddenly, I heard a seam rip, followed by another and then another. I glanced down and noticed tears forming across his body.

“Stop it! Let go! You're hurting him!”

“… this time…”

Gobs of white stuffing began to spray out in front of me.

“Aaaaaaaaaah!!!”

“…FOREVER.”

And that was it. That’s when the dream began to crumble. The lights dimmed. The lake house walls dissolved into shadows. The Spider-Man plush slipped out of both our arms and onto the floor like it weighed a thousand pounds.

I glanced back up at Alexandra.

She was the last thing I saw before everything fizzled out.

She was still standing. Still perfect.

Still smiling.

“You’re growing up.” She whispered. “I’ll see you again soon.”

The very first thing I did when I came to, was sprint over to my dresser.

My cap…

It was still there. Untouched.

I exhaled and flicked on the light switch, before sliding open my closet door to check on Spider-Man.

He was still in one piece. Unharmed.

Thank god.

With everyone okay, I hopped back in bed and tried to get a little more sleep before I had to wake up for school in an hour.

Still, that dream clawed at me in the back of my head, probably in the same spot my alter-ego claimed to reside.

What did it mean exactly?

I wasn’t sure. Truthfully, part of me didn’t wanna know.

Anyway, the only reason I told you about it was because I had another therapy session with Dr. Michaels today.

No, I didn’t tell him about my dream, instead… some other stuff came up.

For the last couple of sessions, Dr. Michaels’s been trying to get me to open a bit more, talk about myself, my friends, and my family in our conversations.

He hasn’t had much luck, but he’s using the fact that he’d previously had Pat as a patient to his advantage.

Good on him for using it, because as much as I loathe Pat, I never tire hearing of his high school escapades. It’s sort of a morbid curiosity of mine.

“So you’re telling me, my brother snuck into the biology classroom, stole one of the fetal pigs that was due to be dissected the next day and planted it in a lacrosse player’s backpack all because the player wouldn’t stop poking fun at one of his friends for having a stutter?”

Dr. Michaels nodded with a sense of unabashed shame. “Couldn’t believe myself when I got the call from the office.”

“First off, GROSS!!!! Second, that’s actually kind of noble of him, sticking up for his friend like that. Makes you wonder what he’d do for me.”

“I don’t think anyone ever said your brother wasn’t loyal.” He recounted.

“No kidding. Else wise he’d be a complete lunatic.” I concurred.

He scratched his chin for a second. “So I was wondering, now that we’ve talked about Patrick for a while, would you be interested in chatting about your other two brothers? He mentioned them quite a bit back in the day.”

I stiffened at the suggestion.

“Let’s um… uh….I’ll… uh— do Tyler.”

“Hmm…” he observed. “Tough choice?”

“No… I’d just rather we discuss him.”

Dr. Michaels tilted head, slightly intrigued. “I sensed a lot of anxiety and avoidance when coming to that decision. Is there reason you wouldn’t want to talk about Sam? He’s the oldest right? If I remember correctly, Pat mentioned he moved out pretty early.”

My dream flashed back in my head, the whole interaction with Sam ringing in my ears.

“Yep, he’s the first person I ever looked up to. He made me feel seen, made feel like I wasn’t this overly clingy little tag along, which is what I was back then.” I murmured. “He gave me the cap before he…. left.”

“How old were you?”

“Eight.”

“When did you see him again?” He asked.

“My mom’s birthday. Ten months later. For a couple hours. Then he was gone again.”

“Must’ve been hard for you.” He commented, trying to sound compassionate, as if I needed anyone else feeling sorry for me.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Ok.” He said as wrote something down on a clipboard. “One last question before we move on to Tyler. What’s Sam like nowadays?”

I sighed and fiddled with my hands before answering.

“Almost just as distant, but he’s also different. He rarely ever comes to family gatherings, won’t even be bothered come down for Christmas or my birthday. He’s super lazy about answering texts, and on the off-chance I do see him, like I did for a few days over the summer, it’s never the Sam who left. All I’m presented with is this stranger with my brother’s face stapled on and his goody two shoes girlfriend. Yet somehow, I’m a bad person for not immediately inviting either of them in with open arms.”

He nodded. “Would you say you harbor some resentment towards Sam?”

“I don’t wanna talk about him anymore.”

“You sure?” He pushed on. “Everything here is confidential, so if there’s anything you want to get off your chest you’re more than welcome to—”

“I said we’re done talking about him!” I repeated point blank.

“Alright, alright, we’ll leave it there for now and come back to Sam later.” He said, offering reassurance. “We can switch over to Tyler now if you’d like."

“Go ahead.”

“Tyler was a music guy wasn’t he?” Dr. Michaels said, tapping his pen on the clipboard. “How did that end up working out?”

“His band’s still going strong.” I answered. “They’ve been doing a lot of touring, still hoping to make it big. Ty’s also moved out, but he actually gives a damn about staying in touch with people.”

“When’s the last time you saw him?”

“Little under a month ago.” I said as I played with a hair elastic I had on my wrist. “He stayed over for a few days. It was nice actually. Him, Pat, and I played an old video game, and he gave me a Spider-Man DVD he snagged when he was in New York.”

“Spider-Man DVD?”

“Yeah, the cartoon from the 90’s, you heard of it?”

“Vaguely remember it, but I’m a bit more partial to the one from the 60’s, that’s the version I grew up with.” He said with a chuckle.

“Oh my gosh, that one?!” I exclaimed. “My uncle gave me a copy of the series to watch when I was younger. It was okay, but I couldn’t get over how hilariously cheap the animation looked. They didn’t even care enough to draw all the lines on Spider-Man’s costume!”

“Hey, that show was considered state of the art for its time! Not mention, that’s where the famous theme song originated.”

“True.” I said with a nod.

Suddenly, the bell rang, signaling the end of our session.

“See you next week, Alex.” He said as I got up.

“Yeah, sure.” I mumbled as I left for my next class.

Later that night, you wouldn’t believe this, but for the longest time, I felt anxious about going to bed. For some reason, I kept putting it off and off until I was so tired that I couldn’t any longer.

Suffice to say, the dream had affected me more than I thought.

Stupid I know, but could I really trust my brain not to subconsciously scare me like that again?

Right as I was about flick the light offs, I paused then sighed with resignation as instead walked over to the closet.

Screw it. Spider-Man was sleeping with me again.

Just for one night.

If Pat caught me in the act so be it.

As I dragged my plush out, my fingers brushed against something small and wooden. With my free hand I picked up.

It was a picture frame. Not even two seconds after seeing the image, I remembered why I’d forgotten it.

The photo was of Sam holding me as a baby. He looks all starry eyed, like he couldn’t be more thrilled to be my big brother and I’m just staring up at him in awe despite being completely clueless about everything.

The picture used to be displayed on my bookshelf like a celebrity photo-op. It was something little me was so proud of showing off.

Before everything changed.

When I was around eleven I couldn’t bear to look at it anymore so I banished it away to my closet where it’s resided ever since.

When Mom asked why, I made up some excuse about it being too embarrassing, but that wasn’t really the full truth.

I just didn’t need to see it every day when I already had enough reminders.

“Alex, why do you bother? We both already know how this plays out. He isn’t coming back.”

Why do I bother?

Sorry Alexandra, I’m not about to throw in the towel just yet.

I slowly put the frame atop my closet shelf face down and slid my closet door shut.

I then switched the lights off before hopping into bed, with Spider-Man nestled beside me under the covers as I tried to get some sleep.

Alexandra Maxine claimed she’s inevitable, that she’s the real me, and that she’ll see me again soon.

Well then, good luck with that you bimbo Barbie doll, wherever you might be.

For now, you’re all bark.

Go ahead, try and hold yourself to it.

I’ll be waiting.